We talked before about ways that your life changes after you first find God. In theory, we know that we need to give it to God and have faith that things will go, or are going, the way He intended. As I’m finding out, it isn’t so easy all the time. In fact, I didn’t just normally cry at service this past Sunday thinking about it, I CRIED. (For context, a normal cry for me is just my eyes getting watery.)
I’ve lived for 40 years one way, over half of that doing the same things, seeing the same people, interested in the same things, talking the same way. All of that completely flipped on its head in the past seven months since the day I first opened my new Bible. I was chugging along, barely reacting to the big changes because none of it mattered anymore and I was happy to leave it all behind – except one. It was probably the biggest change. Initially it was so easy to say, you know what, I will leave it in his hands. I truly meant it, and it was the first time I had ever truly felt peace with a decision.
It was still very much the right decision. I know that going back would pull me further from God. I also know that I don’t have the comfort in that space anymore. I know that it has been draining me lately. One thing I didn’t anticipate was the emotional outcry that came later. When I tell you I cried, I mean I ugly cried while still keeping my composure – because I was in a public space. While talking to the pastor’s daughter and my husband, I even said “After everything I’ve been through, this is the thing that breaks me.” Let me clarify, I don’t mean break in the sense that I give up and will revert back to my old life. I mean that it cracks my emotional strength that I’ve been building throughout my life because of the things I have gone through. This change relates to something I’ve struggled with my whole life, and I’ve never learned to just be okay with it. I know that I need to though.
Not only have I been focusing on the change, but I’ve also been trying to control it and fill that empty space on my own. I need to try and step back and let Him cook. He showed me the diet; I can certainly trust him to show me some recipes. This is the season I am in. I need to learn, and to grow. I need to trust and walk closely. I don’t need to fill a space because God created it to fill it himself.
Maybe one day I can be in that space again. Maybe one day it won’t drain me. Maybe one day, it may align with my walk with God. That’s a lot of maybes though. I can’t dwell on the maybes and the change more than the reason it was placed in front of me. I also cannot go back to making excuses and overlooking how I am in that space simply from the desperation to stay there.
If it makes you feel better, all of us must go through seasons like this. (I know, how is that supposed to make you feel better? It does because it means you aren’t alone.)Walking closely with God and trying to be like Jesus won’t be easy. Too much of the world opposes our beliefs for it to be a cakewalk. It will be worth it in the end though. All we can do is take a moment and refocus. I can’t stop my emotions from creeping in, but I can refocus them and reground myself in God’s love. I can also refuse to give my emotions springing from this more power than they deserve and of course … pray. Prayers are powerful. Prayers got me here in the first place after all. He brought me from my darkness; He can bring me from this pain too.
1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
Philippians 4:6-7
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Psalm 62:8
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us.
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Christine In the making 
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