This is the first post that is in my Growing in Life series rather than my Growing in Faith series. I felt a strong conviction to share this message. It is one dealing with the topic of Co-parenting. It isn’t always easy, but something needs to be said.

So, one thing I hear a judge say all the time (not disclosing the judge or anything about cases, just this saying which has nothing to do with personal information) is that parents need to put their “Good Parent Hat” on. What he talks about is getting along and co-parenting in a way that is best for the child – in most cases, this is with both parents being actively in the child’s life and supporting them.

The reason that this came to mind was because this weekend, I did something that was apparently quite a shock to many people, even some of those I go to church with – I went to my ex’s wedding. Now, I will say, we do share a child, which is why I talk about co-parenting. My daughter can drive and has her own car, but has only been driving less than a year and wasn’t ready for the almost 3 hour drive it took to get down there with HORRIBLE traffic once in the city. So, I RSVP’d for the two of us.

Let me start by saying, I know that not everyone can be this close with their ex. Please do not put yourself in a possibly harmful situation. If it is unsafe to co-parent, I’m not telling you that you should. However, if you just don’t get along, or don’t like them, or even just don’t like who they are with for no reason other than they are with them – you are who I am talking to. Being a good parent is about putting aside your differences and your reasons for not being in a relationship. It is about letting go of that past in order to show a united front when it comes to raising your children. Children deserve having both parents involved in their lives.

I speak from experience. My dad was not a part of my life. The “he said, she said” between my parents was ridiculous, but no matter who was at fault, they cannot truly understand how much it affected me, even if I tell them. You don’t want to be the reason that the child thinks their other parents don’t love them. If they are absent on their own, so be it, but do not contribute, bad mouth or cause the resentment. This goes for the dads that have custody as well.

Because I grew up with my dad not in my life, and only my step-dad (who I did not like and he did not like me – but that’s another story), I made a point to have our daughter with him every other weekend. Sure there were times I had to put my foot down and not send her, but it always ended in arguing and blame, legitimate reason or not. Even though I made her go, it wasn’t always easy for us to get along. Things were said and done that weren’t something a person with their good parent hat would be saying or doing. It took us a while to find our stride, but even then we managed to not let her see it.

Either right before, or right after he met his now wife, I can’t remember which, he had been living with his recent ex-girlfriend because he was trying to save for his own place. It wasn’t the ideal living situation and she also moved her new girlfriend in. To show you how mature we had all become in navigating the co-parenting, I offered to pick him up and drop him off (he doesn’t drive – legally blind) so that he could spend Christmas with us. I even made sure that I helped our daughter pick out a gift for him so he felt included in the opening of Christmas gifts that morning. I think this was a realization for both of us that we managed to successfully navigate a once rocky post dating parent relationship. And my husband – it was his idea!

When our daughter graduated, he even got there early so that he could go to lunch with us before the graduation ceremony, with his new girlfriend. I had prior to this also helped him and his sister have a relationship again. He needed a place to stay and though he didn’t stay long, they have been in contact since.

Fast forward to the wedding. I sat front row right with our daughter and his sister and god-mother. I have a relationship with both of them as well. I congratulated them both and even told his new wife that he seems really happy. In fact, I have never seen him happier. I took pictures and sent them to him. I did my best to stay to the side when necessary. What struck me as odd out of everything, is that her family was surprised that I was there, and okay with it!

That is what led to this post. Thinking about how shocked they were. I am raising a caring daughter who thinks about others. I cannot do that, if I use excuses and pettiness to cut off one half of her life. There was no way I would have, under any circumstances, kept her from going to her dad’s wedding – when neither of us thought he would ever get married – just because we couldn’t get along in a relationship. I have been, for a while, able to put our differences aside to do what is best for her.

She is old enough now to make her own decisions and develop her own thoughts, but she had to do that with a fair eye. Don’t deprive your kids of the ability to find their discernment just because of your thoughts on someone. You may find that middle ground in the midst of the chaos and be the parents you wanted to be before you didn’t work out.